A Police Report

Once upon a time I took a writing for the theater class. The other day I was going through some old stuff and came across this piece. After I giggled a bit, I thought that I would share it.

             ———————————-
A police officer is standing behind a slightly messy desk talking to a man in a ripped, dirty undershirt, and a pair of torn jeans. He looks like he has been wearing the same thing for several days and probably hasn’t bathed in even longer.

Officer
(Angry, pointing towards the door) Get the hell out of my office, ya nut!
Man
My word choice was… less than ideal… let me try again-
Officer
Word choice?? You think word choice is all that was wrong with what you just said? You told me you had been abducted by aliens! For chirst sake, get out of my office.
Man
Officer, listen to me, I was kidnapped. I just got away and came straight here. I can’t go elsewhere or they’ll find me!
Officer
Kidnapped…by aliens??
Man
Well in a sense yes, but-
Officer
Put some foil on your head and get outta here, I’ve got work to do.
Man
They were immigrants, not aliens.
Officer
So you are changing your story now, a little late don’t you think, kid?
Man
No, no illegal immigrants, … from Russia I think, abducted me.
Officer
I thought you said they were aliens.
Man
Officer, aliens ARE illegal immigrants.
Officer
I guess technically they don’t have the proper documentation…
Man
I work in the immigration office, they wanted falsified documentation.
Officer
(with a big grin) Your little green men wanted green cards??
Man
No! the immigrants did!
Officer
The immigrants from mars right?
Man
No, officer, the immigrants are aliens, aliens are immigrants…
Officer
You think everyone that sneaks over the boarder is from space??
Man
(placing the palm of his hand to his forehead) That is not what I am saying at all.
Officer
You said you work at the immigration office?
Man
I do…
Officer
(grinning) How do you go to work everyday with all those little Martians running around
the office?
Man
Please don’t patronize me officer…
Officer
Did they bring you up to their shining silver saucer with a beam of light?
Man
No.
Officer
Where they actually green, or more of a grey?
Man
Is there someone else I could talk to?
Officer
(fighting giggles) Did they …probe ya??
Man
Officer, there is a group of illegal immigrants out to get me, I need your help.
Officer
Son, first you say aliens, then you say immigrants, then you say all immigrants are from
space. I don’t know how to help you.
Man
I want to speak to your superior officer.
Officer
I aint stopp’n ya.
Man
Where might I find him?
Officer
You want me to take you there?
Man
Sure, unless-
Officer
(blurting, to stifle a full on outburst of laughter) You want me to take you to my leader??!
Man
(turning to address the audience, flustered, resigned) It was right about this time that I realized “I have been abducted by aliens” (making the quotation marks with his fingers in the air) was a poor way to start a conversation, no matter how true it may be.
End

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