I Had Surely Thought of Everything


I headed out to start my quest
to slay the dragon from the west.
The king had made an official decree:
slaying the dragon would make me royalty

I had surely thought of everything.
My tale the bards would often sing.

I got a shield to keep me from death
by blocking the dragon’s fiery breath.
And to parry the dragon’s giant claws
I’d use my sword without a pause.

I had surely thought of everything,
and I’d get the thanks of a grateful king.

In order to pierce the dragon’s scales
I planned to use one of his own nails,
which had broken on the rocky wall
that runs around the king’s great hall.

I had surely thought of everything.
My tale the bards would often sing.

I even got a massive wagon
to carry the body of the dragon.
I’d parade it down the city street
and people would grovel at my feet.

I had surely thought of everything,
and I’d get the thanks of a grateful king.

I met a traveler, who had brown hair.
He looked at me and proceeded to share
some news that hit me square in the chest,
turns out, I’d been traveling east… not west.

I thought I’d thought of everything,
but now my tale the jesters sing.

Listen to me read it here:





A little bit of an introduction, I think, is necessary on this post.

I played a small amount of Dungeons and Dragons the other day with my brother. I had forgotten how much fun it was, and hope to continue in the not-too-distant future. Obviously, the first thing that one does when playing D&D is make a character. In the 5th edition, you pick your race, class, and backstory from lists of options with various sub-options and that sets up the skeleton of how your stats work, what items you start with, the spells and cantrips you have available, etc. The player then picks (again, from a list) personality traits, ideals, bonds, and flaws that seem to fit. Then it falls to the player to fill in the personal details of the character’s backstory. It is all very neat, and fits together fairly well assuming you don’t mind doing a little reading and/or have an incredibly patient individual to walk you through it (Thanks, brother!).

Any of you who know me or have been reading my blog for a while know full well that I have this compulsive need to find backstories that fit for EVERYTHING. From the characters that exist in my stories, to the random people I pass on the street, right down to the forgotten toy on the sidewalk… every single one of them has a story and I can’t help but to wonder about or make up a guess as to what that is. So, obviously, I couldn’t half ass the backstory for Xalworth Lobin-Yoslin Podon the druid forest gnome. I immediately had a full length novel idea, but was able to slim it down to the just under 6,000 word story that follows. I liked how it turned out, though it may be a little under-edited, so I decided to share.

Keep in mind while reading that gnomes in the D&D universe are not tiny people with pointy hats and garden implements, but instead they are halflings that stand about 3 feet tall.

If you are curious, the skeleton that I generated using the player’s handbook is as follows (MAY HINT AT SPOILERS):
Race: Forest gnome
Class: Druid
Bakground: Folk Hero
Defining Event: Stood alone against a terrible monster
Alignment: Chaotic Good
Personality Traits: I judge people by their actions, not their words. If someone is in trouble, I’m always ready to lend help.
Ideals: Freedom – Tyrants must not be allowed to oppress people.
Bonds: A proud noble once gave me a horrible beating, and I will take revenge on any bully I encounter.
Flaws: The tyrant who rules my land will stop at nothing to see me killed.

You can download the story as a PDF. Enjoy.
As always, I appreciate any feedback, comments, or concerns that you may have.

Band of Gorillas

While I was drawing the image that went with my poem Gary the Gorilla (https://imasillypirate.wordpress.com/2015/06/23/gary-the-gorilla/) I looked at a lot of images of gorillas. I came across this one http://static.comicvine.com/uploads/original/11122/111223914/4628119-5692474103-male_.jpg and I immediately thought that it needed to be photoshoped (I actually use GIMP, not Photoshop, but saying that something needed to be gimped, I think, might be misinterpreted).

Thus, using my mad skills, I put the following together, and felt the need to share (I know it isn’t very good, but I think that makes it better). Enjoy.