Hey everyone!
On New Years, I like to post a little recap of the year with respect to specifically what happened in my life. This year was… a lot happened in 2022: a lot of change.
I had 3 surgeries, underwent multiple breakups, moved twice, started actually working in the office for the first time, and lost a romantic partner to a motorcycle accident.
There is so much worth mentioning, that I’m going to leave a lot out.
In January, I had Facial Feminization Surgery: a gender-affirming procedure where a surgeon worked on my trachea, jaw, chin, and nose to make them more feminine. It took a long time for the swelling to go down and recovery was uncomfortable, but I’m so happy with the results and it was well worth it. When I look in the mirror, I don’t always love what I see, but the dysphoria doesn’t hit as hard now, and I actually even feel pretty sometimes.
In March, I had hair transplants, to feminize my hairline. They shaved my head as part of the process, so it’s been slow-going, waiting for my hair to grow out, but so far, I’m pretty happy with how it’s coming along.
In April, my long-term partner of the previous 10 years and I decided to explore polyamory and I met an amazing woman who I started dating. Shortly there-after, my long-term partner and I broke up. The split was not because of the poly thing, or the me-being-trans thing. She was and still is my biggest supporter and closest friend and I adore her, but we had both just changed so much as people and redefining our relationship so that we no longer live together became necessary to allow our friendship to flourish. I am SO lucky to have her in my life and, honestly, if it wasn’t for her and my amazingly supportive family, some of what is to follow would have broken me.
During this period, I was growing closer to and falling in love with the previously mentioned woman who I had started dating.
In July, she started a motorcycle trip across the country. I told her that I loved her for the first time the night before she left on her trip and she was so happy — that gorgeous smile plastered across her entire face. That was the last time I saw her in person. Several days later, on July 7th, she was killed in a motorcycle accident. We had only been together for 3 months and only known each other for 4, but during that time, we spoke every day and her brilliant impact on my life is immeasurable. I was lucky that I got that time with her, but I miss her so desperately every day. I learned from this that you never know how long you will get to spend with those you love and, while it potentially opens you up to pain, loving in any way but with reckless abandon is to waste precious time that you will never get back.
I was also, at the time of her death, mid-move and I sort of just took the first place I could afford, because I wasn’t in a head-space to make those sorts of decisions. It was a converted garage unit that… well… it was cheap for the Bay Area and you get what you pay for, I guess. It was cold, cramped, often swarmed by ants, not in an amazing neighborhood, and an inconvenient location. It was a 6 month lease.
The next few moths are a blur of just trying to manage continuing to exist with a minimum or pain. I’m lucky to have a remarkable family, amazing friends, and a great therapist to get me through this period. I’m still struggling with the loss, but it’s a long, slow process and I think I’m making progress towards being okay.
In October I started dating. I’ve met some great people (and some not so great people). I’ve been dating one woman who is amazing and sweet and fun and smart and our relationship, by necessity, has to stay casual.
At the beginning of November, I had Breast Augmentation Surgery, which went great. I’m so happy with the results; my body feels more like it belongs to me and fits me, and… well… I like how they look too. No, you can’t see them.
I stayed with my parents while recovering. It had been a long time since I took the time to just exist with my parents and it was really nice to be there for a while. Have I mentioned how lucky I am to have such a supportive and phenomenal family?
At the beginning of December, I started dating someone new. The relationship developed quickly and, while ultimately it ended just as quickly (we actually broke up today, New Years Eve), I learned a lot about myself and what I want out of life and a romantic partner. Despite not being particularly compatible in wants, they are an impressive and brilliant individual and I hope the best for them and that our plans to remain friends works out, so that I can continue to have them in my life.
Remember that shitty garage unit I was living in? Well at the beginning of December — actually on the same evening that the most recently mentioned relationship started — I came home to find it flooded with what turned out to be sewage and a significant amount of Draino. Within a week, I had signed a lease on a new, much nicer, and much more convenient place and am in the process of moving in after getting rid of a lot of the things ruined by the flooding
It was a year of heartbreak, a year of hard decisions, and a year of discomfort. It, however, was also a year of support, affirmation, and love. It, above all else, was a year of change.
I started out the year less comfortable in my body and I was in a monogamous, long-term relationship. As I write this, I’m sitting in folding camp chair in a new place, surrounded by boxes. I’m single by way of a roller-coaster of emotions that I never would have imagined possible and, while I’m mourning a loss and a little sad over the very recent dissolution of something I hoped would blossom into more, I have a better idea about what I want in a relationship and feel worthy of adoration and respect in ways I never have before. I feel good about how I look. I enjoy my job. Above all else, I feel supported by my friends and loved by my amazing family. While the year was nuts, I feel lucky and am hopeful about the future. So long 2022. Whatever — good or bad — 2023 has in store, I know that I’ll be more equipped to face it, because of the year of dramatic upheaval that was 2022.
Happy New Year. Thanks for reading. Please hug your loved ones, drink some water, and try to be kind to yourself.
Imasillypirate 